Tagged by Lottie and others, I’ve been thinking about the dinner guests meme quite a lot. Firstly, I’m in the lucky position that I’ll be invited to Lottie’s dinner party where we’ll be dining with Stephen Fry, Samuel L. Jackson, Joss Whedon and Bill Murray, among others, and while those four would have been at my own fictional dinner party, I now get to choose a fresh batch for my own soirée.

Secondly, let me get the schmaltz out of the way – I think a dinner party with a bunch of my best friends would be far more exciting than surrounding myself with some famous strangers. So, for the purposes of this meme, let’s assume that these people are my friends, that we have history.

I first met Johnny Depp at a mutual friend’s wedding a few years back. By accident he ended up at my table, instead of down the back of the room where he was originally allocated. It wasn’t long before I was regaling him and his lovely partner, Vanessa Paradis, with my hilarious adventures and we were clearly becoming good friends. I remember meeting him for the second time on a beach in Malibu. He was looking for advice on his next couple of roles. He had been offered the role of Captain Jack in some pirate movie, but he was also looking at doing Cheaper by the Dozen. I, of course, told him to go for the pirate movie and gave him a few pointers on how he could play the part. Three blockbusters later, he’s still thanking me.

So, I dropped him a text a few days ago to invite him to my Hallowe’en Dinner Party. He was reluctant at first, because he doesn’t like to dress weirdly, but when I told him that Tom Waits was coming, he immediately said yes.

I’ve know Tom for about ten years now. Over the years we’ve become very close friends, but it didn’t start out that way. Ten years ago, I met his daughter, Kellesimone, in Clouseau’s night club in Ashford. Both of us had a few drinks and, both of us being promiscuous youths, we inevitably hooked up. It was a whirlwind romance and during her two week holiday in Ireland we fell in love. I still remember the phone call to her father when we told him about our marriage plans. He made it from California to Wicklow in about 29 minutes, shotgun in hand. He threatened to shove his shotgun up my ass and then he followed through on his threat. Needless to say the relationship didn’t go much further, but the three of us did end up getting hammered drunk that night and put the world to right, as you do after a few pints.

It would be great to have Tom there. Not only is he a musical genius but he is riveting to listen to, or even just stare at. The only issue with having him at the dinner party is that I’d probably want to spend the entire evening talking to him.

Some voices are special. There are some people who just by talking can melt your heart. There are voices that can inspire and make you want to change the world. There are voices that can make weak men leaders and turn the cockiest fool into a grovelling nit. And then, there is that very special voice, that sultry voice, that voice that can make you want sex, need sex. There is the voice that is pure sex. It’s a rare quality and only some people have it. Kathleen Turner, without a doubt, has a voice that makes your knees quiver. But Kathleen has let herself go in recent years, and she’s gone a bit batty. So, the next best thing has to be the wonderful Mariella Frostrup. Beautiful, talented and classy, even before she opens her mouth. I will invite her along to run the evening’s conversation. In interview with many people, writers in particular, she is completely disarming. She’ll help the evening run smoothly.

In the early days of Monty Python, the whole troupe looked up to me as a mentor, a father figure as it were. None more so than Michael Palin. A man who struggled with confidence issues, he credits me in his autobiography as being the one man who helped him overcome adversity. It’s been a number of years since myself and Mike sat down and chatted about life. I would be fascinated to hear, first hand, his reasons for becoming a world traveller and why he more or less turned his back on a life of comedy. I would be interested to hear his current relationship with the other Pythons and his thoughts on Spamalot and what the Monty Python name now means to him.

I considered bringing along John Cleese too, but tensions have been running high between John and I since I accidentally murdered his cat and served it as an entree at my last dinner party. I’ll be sure not to make that mistake again.

So, I have settled on another John – John Cusack. I have never met him face to face. We’ve corresponded many times by letter and email, but our busy and conflicting schedules have never allowed us to meet up. I dropped him a mail yesterday and here’s his reply:

D-Man,

Dinner? Sure! It’s been a long time coming. I can’t wait to finally meet that hot babe of yours. Those nude pictures you sent me were the bomb. All the guys on set loved them.

You say Sam Jackson won’t be coming to this one. That’s a shame, Dude. Sam and I do a mean blues number together. You’d have loved it. Maybe next time.

So, Dude, send me the details and I’ll have my secretary’s secretary sort out flights and shit. Will I bring Joan along?

The Big J

I’m not sure how to tell him, but I’d rather he didn’t bring his sister along. The last time we were in the same room together the sexual tension was too much. It was hot, it was tawdry and three people died just watching us watch each other. We never actually touched, but if we had, we may have destroyed the entire town.

I will need another woman at the party though, for balance. The first CD album I ever bought was Alanis Morrissette’s Jagged Little Pill. The album was incredible and to this day I still listen to it regularly. It would be great to sit down with her and see where her head’s at these days. I’d also like to congratulate her in person on her brilliant version of the Black Eyed Peas My Humps. Fine, I can’t quite classify her as a friend – we’ve only met a handful of times, but I do think she’d be interested in coming along. I’ll drop her a text tomorrow.

This leaves me with two spaces left around my dinner table. I have a few thoughts on this. Jack Nicholson heard I was having a dinner party and actually called around to wrangle an invitation. He’s always doing things like this. I usually hide behind the couch and wait for him to leave. I asked him in once to have a mug of tea – he didn’t leave for three months. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a lot of fun and has a lot of great stories to tell, but he doesn’t seem to understand the concept of overstaying your welcome.

Another Jack, Jack L, actually turned me down. I’m not surprised. He’s ridiculously cool and I don’t see how we could keep him interested enough for the whole night. It would have been amazing to get a song or two out of him though.

I thought about inviting Michael Caine, but Mick and I meet up so often for pints that it would be a waste of this great opportunity. Ben Elton expressed an interest in coming, but he’s up to his eyes in work at the moment. I did give him a few ideas for his new book though. He seems very excited about it.

Then I remembered that I spent fourteen years studying voodoo and the dark arts in New Orleans prior to Katrina. Okay, I’ve forgotten most of it, but I can definitely remember how to resurrect the dead for a few hours – just enough time for the dinner party.

So, who do I bring back to life?

The more recent the death, the easier it is to resurrect them, so I am inclined towards bringing Heath Ledger back. But, then again, I’d only want to ask him one question – why did you do it? After that, I’m not sure he’d have much to add to the evening.

So, I’ve settled on summoning all my powers and bring back a man who has been dead for 28 years. I would give anything to sit down and talk the night away with John Lennon. I met him briefly in the late sixties, but didn’t have the chance to talk to him. I’ve regretted than moment ever since. I believe he’d have us all mesmerised for the evening and I think his views on the world today would be earth shattering.

That leaves one seat left. I thought it might be interesting to bring back Ian Fleming, but after reading through a few of his early Bond novels, I’m not sure I’d like the guy. He seems bigoted, sexist and racist – not really my type of person. Anyway, I think it’s probably a good idea to stick with people I’ve actually met or know. So, I’m going to resurrect Bette Davis. I had a short affair with her when she was filming Now, Voyager in 1942 and while the tryst didn’t end well, we became firm friends. I’d love to see her again and talk about her rivalries with Joan Crawford, her four husbands, her arguments on set and how she felt as her life came to a sad close in 1989.

All of these guests should make for a varied and interesting evening. I’m already excited. Anyone else have any exciting dinners they want to plan?